"Your Raise Me Up"

For those of you who know me well already know my everyday struggles with my overwhelming fear of death.  First of all I would like to call death by another name-passing.  I got to a point in my life where using the word dying or death was too much to hear so I have recently learned that by using the word passing it makes dying sound more of a peaceful passing where you are entering another world, a world we as mortals cannot understand while we are on Earth.  Thanks to our God we will be able to have Eternal Life-how cool is that? It is embarrassing to admit that I am just now understanding this new life in Heaven.  I went to Sunday School, I read passages in the Bible, but I never took the time to truly understand the meaning of Eternal Life-the life we all should hope for and yearn for.  Please do not get my wrong.  I am not okay with the idea of someone in my life or myself passing anytime soon, but I am finally doing what I should have been doing all along-creating a deep relationship with the Lord; for he is the one who will take care of all my anxieties and troubles when I have had enough.  

I had the opportunity to speak with someone on Sunday night.  A person who I have looked up to for years.  We were speaking on general terms when I felt God's prescence in the room.  I instantly started opening my heart to this woman.  With each word I said it felt like two people were listening and truly caring-Kathleen and God.  She asked me what I feared the most about the passing.  It was the easiest question to answer because I struggle with this everyday, "I cannot live without my parents, husband, friends, etc.  I know I cannot get through that when the day comes."  I truly felt this way, and part of me still does, but as I say this is a growing process for me.  She gave me what I call hard love.  She said how do you think I am here now? How are your grandparents, parents, friends, etc still here?  I was dumbfounded.  I felt selfish.  How could I be sitting there feeling sorry for myself when I still have both of my grandparents, two wonderful parents, wonderful in-laws, a great brother, and a great sister and brother-in-law, an amazing husband, unconditional friends, the list can go on and on and on.  She said, "Stop trying to worry about tomorrow.  Focus on today and how you would like to live your life.  Be happy and give your troubles to the Lord because he is a big man, and he can handle anything."  She then gave me a great analogy for me to come to peace with passing.....

"When a woman is pregnant she has a precious baby, a baby that is warm, has unconditional love and support, has the nutrients he/she needs without having to look for it, the view that they are in a bubble where nothing can happen to them because their mother is keeping them safe and anxiety is not present.  When the baby is born what happens??? The baby screams, the lights are bright, doctors are poking and pressing on the baby making the baby uncomfortable, and the mother is tired from labor.  Then the child grows and grows and one day he will have his time of passing where the Lord will take him peacefully to a place of pure joy where the streets are golden and everyone is happy and content where they are-like the baby is content in the stomach of their mother.  You see there are three passages in life: conception, birth, and death.  Do not feel sorry for the people who are with God-trust me they are not jealous of you.  If anything they wish you could feel the warmth of God and the peaceful place they now live in-Heaven." 

It was as if someone opened my eyes for the first time.  I understood that I was the one ruining my joy that I have on Earth by worrying on the "what if" instead of God will be there; therefore do not fret.  Tears were streaming down my face like a child who is understanding something difficult for the first time.  Why couldn't I realize this on my own? Why did I have to be selfish and think I could do this on my own when God is always present no matter what I do.  I do feel at peace with the idea of passing, but this does not mean my journey with this issue is over.  I am just now starting so I ask that those of you reading this will continue to pray for my peace with God and his home....our home....Heaven.  In return I will pray tonight for those of you who are going through a death of a family member or friend because the power of prayer is wonderful.